so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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