I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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