Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
