She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
