FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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