I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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