My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ketchup is God's man juice
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
