I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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