Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
