Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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