I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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