I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
