I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
