He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
