I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
