Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
