that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
