I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
