I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
