took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
