also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
