I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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