conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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