Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
