We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
