So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
