For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
