Well douche your snatch and let's go!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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