I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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