Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
