i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
mondays should just be called national damage control day
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
