Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
