aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
