Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
