i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
