so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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