dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
