Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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