whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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