I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
