The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am available for nakedness
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Text me some of your sweat
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