if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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