Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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