Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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