then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
