My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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