She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
