MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
