Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
