When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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